As of right now, I can honestly say that there hasn’t been more of a scratchy and rough spot in my life as there’s been right now.
I’ve always felt that I was in the most trouble or danger as when I feel the most comfortable. I feel like I’ve had to lead a very Spartan lifestyle. I feel like I’ve always had to be able to pick myself up at a moment’s notice and be ready to transplant myself somewhere else at a moment’s notice. It’s just never been me to feel somewhere… safe. I’ve never felt safe… with anyone… anywhere. I take that back…
I’ve felt safe when I’ve felt like dying.
Maybe it is the sense of finality… or the acceptance of things you couldn’t change… or just the the score was finally settled. I’ve never felt more at home… comfortable… accepted… as when I talk about dying. Personally, as morbid as it sounds, I can’t wait to die. But, not for the reasons you may think…
Every night, I ask myself this question, “Did I do anything today that earned me another chance to do something worth doing with my life?” Many times, I answer this question with a resounding “No, I did not.” It makes me wonder just how many more chances will I get? How many more days will I have to do something I’ve always wanted to do… or meant to do? To be perfectly honest, I want that number to be as low as possible.
Not because I actually want to die… as the overtones really suggest to the contrary… I’m actually quite comfortable with my mortality. I embrace death. Life is a journey and death is an inevitable part of it. As one journey comes to an end, we must embrace the opportunity to begin another one. Personally, it’s hard for me to relate to people because I value the act of living a lot differently than nearly everyone I associate with do. However, this gives me a unique perspective on just how much life is in what we do instead of how many days to live we are given.
Lately, I’ve found that I haven’t been putting much into my days… and I apologize. I’ve done things that I’m not proud of. Perhaps, the worst of those things was when I was willing to deprive those who care about me the love, affection, adoration, and respect they deserve because I was selfish and felt as if they would be better off if I weren’t around.
Maybe I was right… maybe they are better. They deserve to have someone around who wouldn’t abandon them or abuse their character. We, as people, deserve so much better than to be wounded and to go about our lives in a manner that reflects those assaults. When you think about it, how many people actually want someone who bears the marks of a turbulent and abrasive life? Honestly? Why have a piece of coal when you can have a bright, shiny diamond?
Nobody realizes just how deflating that whole concept is until it happens to them. But, I won’t excuse human nature. It’s natural for us to want what we feel we can’t have. It’s natural for us to undervalue so many aspects to our own character and personality that we inflate our desires way beyond their value that we begin to extend ourselves so that we can afford those things. For me, there are those who would argue that the summary of my own experiences, emotions, and essence are too valuable to waste.
How I do not share their opinions…
However, there’s an aphorism that says, “Life is like a rainbow. You need both the rain and sun to make its colors shine.”
Even throughout this whole journey of discovery that I’ve embarked upon since April, a lot of the ringing questions that put me on this path still remain. Have I done anything today that someone will look at tomorrow that asks the same questions I did yesterday?” I have a very hard time accepting the idea of someone actually learning something from me. I just don’t think that there is any… value… in any combination of my three “E’s” for someone to make an investment. And as the storm rages on in my world and as the effects of being weathered become more apparent…
“This gift that you gave me for my birthday. You never got to tell me why you gave it to me or what it means… but I think I know. I think that you appreciate that there are extraordinary men and women and… extraordinary moments when history leaps forward on the backs of these individuals… that what can be imagined can be achieved… that you must dare to dream… but that there’s no substitute for perseverance and hard work… and teamwork… because no one gets there alone… and that, while we commemorate the… the greatness of these events and the individuals who achieve them, we cannot forget the sacrifice of those who make these achievements and leaps possible.” -Gillian Anderson
I often think to myself… What a wonderful world this place really is… that we can dare to dream… and ask, “Why can’t I?” “Why can’t I have Life in my days?” “Why can’t I have a legacy?
“Why can’t I mean something to someone…”
Somewhere over the rainbow… dreams really do come true.