It’s no secret that I’ve had such a hard time coping with things since I turned thirty. It’s traumatic, to say the least.
However, just because I’m thirty doesn’t mean that I’m not above trial and tribulation. I’ve had more than my fair share lately. I won’t speculate on whether I deserve it or not but nevertheless, it is here and I’ve been attempting to adapt. It isn’t easy, though. However, it did give me a chance to work on some projects I’ve had lying around.
A couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, I started a thirty day challenge. Long story short, I completed it. However, I didn’t feel like I was going to be satisfied just knowing I could complete such a time-consuming task. Well, not time consuming… but it definitely was tedious at times. Even so to the point where I took longer than a week away from it. However, perseverance has its means of persuasion. I completed it in such a way that it spawned a composition. A composition that is still in progress. I hope to have it finished soon, but that’s really not the reason why I’m writing.
Over the last six weeks or so, I’ve been ill. Ill to the point where I’m having to honestly assess the full span of my life and wonder what I have left. Not necessarily because I’ve been sick, but rather because I’ve had the time to look over it all and check all the boxes so to speak. I’m happy to say that as many that I would have left, I’m content with the ones I’ve been able to. I’m not settling by any stretch. I’m just conceding that when the time comes, I’m happy with my accomplishments.
I do have plans to finish the book. I’m already halfway done with it. Maybe it’ll make it to a bookstore. After that… who knows… maybe I won’t finish. Maybe I’ll write another one. Either way, I’ll still be happy.
To that end, I’ve been thinking about my legacy and what that actually means. I’m sure that in some way I’ve affected change… made a difference… whatever the case may be. Whatever shape that may take, I’d like to think that for the most part, I’d have lived an honorable life. I don’t want to think about everything that I could have done when everything I did just seems more relevant, ya know? Everything going on in my own little sphere doesn’t seem worth it… never has. Raises a lot of questions though? Has what I’ve done been enough? What does it all mean? What did I even do? Perhaps in time, all of those questions may be answered properly.
They say to live in the here and now and not so much worry about tomorrow. Well, I’m okay with that too. Whatever time I have left, I’d honestly rather not know. But, for the time being, I’m just going to keep doing what I’ve always been doing for as long as I can…
And only as I could…