Anybody who knows me worth a damn these days know I’ve had two major issues that I’ve been having problems resolving: Getting older and feeling guilty. The getting older part is obvious but the feeling guilty part… not so much.
It’s been almost three years since one of the most human guys I’ve ever met passed away and I still haven’t gotten over the shock of it all, really. There isn’t a day that goes by where something is said or done that doesn’t remind me of him. Because of it, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel guilty.
It wasn’t his time. Bottom line. It. Was. Not. His. Time.
I don’t care what anybody says. There’s just no way I can accept that conclusion.
Sure, close to three years have come and gone. There isn’t much I can do about it now, right? I mean… I see his parents and friends post pictures on Facebook and wonder just what experiences he doesn’t get to be apart of because he’s gone. It makes me sad. It makes me sad for them because I know what that absence feels like. I feel it every single day… and then the guilt sets in. Not because he’s gone… not because I don’t wonder about those things myself as it pertains to the relevance in my own life… but because the one thing that makes it all what it is… I wonder if it will even be there when that moment arrives.
Since you’ve been gone, it’s been a wild goose chase trying to hunt you down. It’s been tumultuous, at best, trying to keep you around. It’s been an uphill battle fighting to grow an environment that could let you thrive and flourish.
When you left, you took my heart with you. I desperately wanted it to be me. I didn’t want to be here. To this day, there’s a pretty big part of me that still doesn’t. But, yet… here I am… and here, you are not. I have to accept that and I have to move forward with that realization.
But, if there is one positive thing that I can take from you leaving… it’s this: There is an awful lot of you around. I see you everywhere. A witty remark… a squirrel running up a tree… and… close friends speaking to me like you did that one night…
I’ve been assured time and time again that there wasn’t anything I could do or that it isn’t my fault… and maybe they’re right… but it doesn’t change that I really am guilty. I’m guilty of being heartless. I’m guilty of not taking care of it when I did have it. I’m guilty for letting it run away and more to the point… wishing it would go away… and hoping it wouldn’t come back.
There’s no doubt in my mind that you’re far better off where you are than you ever could have been here.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve struggled with the idea of actually getting older. Especially considering that I am firm in my belief that I shouldn’t even be here. But, since I am, I kinda have to be able to look at myself in the mirror everyday and come up with a good reason as to why I should drag myself around like I do.
My world, along with so many others, is far darker and colder because the affect you had on it has been long absent…
However, my heart was in a better place because when you took it, you gave so many pieces to other people who could take care of it far better than I ever could have on my own. Who, in turn, saw the opportunity to return it back to me with a kindness that does nothing but make me smile… because I just know it’s something that you would have wanted me to have… and something I’ve desperately wanted.
It’s been a long road getting from there to here. Perhaps one day soon, I can find it in myself to say that the guilt I feel with this whole deal just left. Maybe I am worse off for having it…
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that my heart has always been my favorite thing. It added so much color and emotion to everything. I’m just in awe of what it all could be now instead of what it was or… what I felt it should have been.
Perhaps, this isn’t a better place since you were here.
Perhaps, it’s a better place since you left.
But, that’s alright because you’re here anyway… and so am I.
Inspired by Rachel Platten’s song titled “Better Place.”