There are times in our lives where we would give anything to be able to slow down and take a minute. There are also times that we would give the same things to quicken the pace. In the midst of all of that, there are times that we would dig into our reserves for a moment where everything just fell together.
I’m in a season that reflects the latter. I desperately want to be in a place where I knew what I was suffering for and laboring towards would just rear its face and welcome itself into my life. There are just too many questions and not enough answers, you know? I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all been there. It’s indeed safe to say that we all would like to know what’s around the corner or what that next challenge entails.
However, with that knowledge comes responsibility. The responsibility that engenders preparation. A preparation which in turn imbues necessity and contingency. All of a sudden, before you know it, wanting to put a face on a new season has spun webs laced with aspects that can bleed you to a point of apathy and unable to reclaim what excited you about having something in which to look forward. This is something I’ve personally been victimized by and what’s worse about it is that I’m not sure even if there is something that appeals to me long-term.
I’ve been on record saying that humanity bores me. Nothing surprises me about it anymore. I’ve seen the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I’ve been in shock and awe by the sheer randomness of human nature. So, over the last few months, I had been wondering about what just keeps us all moving. What is our motivation to persist when we feel like all of our options have been exhausted?
Being in a situation where you feel that there is nothing left is worse than sounds. It can drive you to make some pretty ill-conceived decisions and damage others along with yourself in ways that you don’t conceive. All the while you don’t know the real extent in which what you do affects your social and professional climates. The crying shame is that in the midst of all this destruction, you quite honestly don’t give a damn that you’re doing it. It is indeed, one massive, crying shame.
On the other hand, there is always something that keeps you anchored. There’s thing something, anything… one thing… that will hit you so hard and so true that it makes you reconsider your whole position. One virtue of being me, at this point in time, is that I have gotten to spend a lot of time recently getting to evaluate this particular dynamic.
One thing I absolutely abhor doing is talking about myself. When it comes right down to it, for someone who blogs about intimate epiphanies about their individual uniqueness as it pertains to the human condition, I do tend to be very open with whoever tends to read this. With regard to that, I do try and not disclose particulars of the situation that brought about a higher experience. If you want to know, drop me a comment and ask! Very simple. But, I digress…
There’s always going to be something unique to your life that will persist. There will be this one thing, no matter how much we try to hide it beneath our pain and discontent, that will still fester and flourish. It’s a testament to the strength of whatever this thing is that it continues to survive in some harsh climate. I guess it really does go to show that the human spirit is indomitable.
The more important thing that as long as there is something there, it will be enough to pull you through whatever is draining you. In my personal position, I’m not afraid to put it out there that I have a long way to go. Some issues could be very surface level. Some issues can be very deeply rooted and take time and effort to resolve. Mine are definitely going to take some rehabbing, for sure. Furthermore, for what good that thing is can do you, it also has to be in a position to find equilibrium. Which means that it has to have an opportunity to grow. Furthermore, it also means that there has to be a want to involved. It can’t just be there and that’s that. You have to want it to be there and you have to want to let it reassert itself. But, in doing so, we can’t afford to put it in this framework and expect it to do what it’s going to do in the time allotted. That’s not really how it works and it’s a painful lesson to learn. On top of that, it is a cold slap in the face knowing that there is indeed a learning curve.
There’s a quote from the Green Ranger series from the Power Rangers that sticks out. Not because it’s poignant or catchy; but, because it is relevant and it means something. It goes, “Isn’t the smallest chance of victory reason enough to keep fighting?” Not many would be inclined, in this day and age, to agree with that statement because there is this threshold in which we will cease. Strictly because what we are fighting for isn’t worth the effort and energy expended to defend it. There was a time where that would break my heart and arrive at a simple conclusion that said, “Someone out there would look at me and decide that I wasn’t worth it.”
A lot can change in a few months, but the big one is that now I don’t have to believe that conclusion is true.
All it takes is one…