“In critical moments, men sometimes see what they wish to see.”
-Leonard Nimoy as Ambassador Spock
This probably is my Achilles heel. Anytime I feel like I’m on the verge of making a breakthrough, I will see myself not making that breakthrough. Just as I have seen myself not doing a multitude of many things. At this stage, I can only arrive at the inescapable conclusion that I just didn’t have what was necessary to follow through.
I am my own worst critic. I am so hard on myself that it isn’t fair. That is a stance that most of my friends and colleagues that I’ve had over the years would attest to that. I think a lot of us have that same problem. I don’t see it as a major issue as long as we can objectively look at criticism and make the adjustments. It isn’t always easy to admit to someone, especially ourselves, that there is a significant hindrance and that it holds dominion over us. It’s demoralizing, actually.
To me, it’s a fear of failure. To put it mildly, I can go into situations where it all lines up like it’s supposed to and then fail to just take advantage. I have an issue of being deserving of such things. Those close to me will argue through hell and high water that it is untrue. However, I fall victim to the very mentality that my quote here affirms.
I’m a realist. I’m a realist to a fault, perhaps. I know the difference between what I want and what I get won’t always be palatable. So, I assume that it won’t be. But, that doesn’t mean that my desires are soured because of it. I’ve just had to keep my idea, the reality of the situation, and my avenues of pursuit in line. In spite of all the talent and ability, perhaps the thing that paves the way for scotoma is all honesty faith. I think that anytime we have a pivotal moment in our lives, faith or confidence becomes in such short supply that we freeze. Personally, it’s difficult to have faith in my own ability to secure action when action seems to not want to yield me what I want.
I’m not just talking about in something that we wouldn’t place a high priority on. I’m talking about game-changing moments that will stick with you forever. The moments that define just what kind of person you are to become. I suppose you can call them “clutch” moments. Everybody at one point or another will have them. Unfortunately for me, one in particular just happened to set the tone for the majority of my adult life.